Saturday, July 02, 2005

A Necessary (?) Interlude of Self-Pity!


"A few disjointed thoughts by a fragmented man!"

Who am I?
What is my worth?
How shall I be judged, when the day comes and I am to be judged?
Who will stand in judgment over me? You, my love? Will I be so lucky?
Whose judgment should matter the most to me anyway, - I the one who “inspires” strangers and hurts the ones he loves.

Acts have always been a multi-edged affair. Heroes have never really existed, only self-possessed and obsessive bastards that today go by the name of dissidents and activists.

Am I becoming the fulfillment of my own worst fears?
Do I now represent the embodiment of everything I have long dreaded?

I have experienced everything, it seems, and I am all the worst for it. I have learned nothing. I have nothing to teach or bequeath, but doubts, fears, pain and angst.

Am I alone forever?
Does it matter that my words are heard? Will they make any difference? Will anything that this champion, this veteran of unfulfilled dreams and broken promises does make any difference?

I share my pain and my shame, because they are the only things I can share. Even in sharing I am selfish and villainous.

I am what I fear and what I hate.
I am failure and never success.
I am pain and never fulfillment.
I am despair, -

a forward looking longing that cannot be set to rest,
a fiend in the guise of an innocent man,
a modern-day heretic that embraces nothing and offers only emptiness.

People should follow their tyrants, the twain deserve each other.
The poor should embrace their poverty, else they become fodder in rich men’s wars.
Dreamers should wake up, for they consume not only themselves, but all those they love.

Indeed I am alone, which is more a frightening than an arrogant thought.
Indeed I am alone, a world unto myself that will never be understood.

But why should it merit understanding anyway? Why can’t you close this damn portal and surf away?


On a lighter note, and I still have a lighter side to me, I guess, I have finally found the time to update my original website Amarji. Indeed, interludes of self-pity usually propel me into equally despicable endeavors at self-promotion. Oh well, I guess I have to live with that…